By Clarissa Olson Posted December 21, 2018
Do gift things people actually care about. We don’t want your socks from last week, Jeff. You’re not famous.
Don’t down the PJs. Pajamas are amazing. We all know that the first thing you do is put them on, so don’t pretend you hate them.
Do give us junk food. Candy, cookies, all of it. There is nothing fun about a can of asparagus, mom.
Seriously, stop giving me asparagus.
Don’t get us those weird popcorn tins from Wal-Mart. They’re sort of cheesy.
Do laugh at that joke. It was a good one.
Don’t give me my sibling’s old stuff. If I wanted it, I would have already taken it. That’s how younger siblings work.
Do accept my crappy handmade gifts.
Don’t make me anything like that, but you’d better cherish what I gave you like it’s your first-born child.
Do re… Jeff, what did I tell you about those socks?
Don’t make the joke of getting “coal” candy. There are about 500 million different kinds. None of them taste good, and none of them are funny.
Do give gag gifts, but you better have hidden the real one behind the bookshelf.
Don’t give them to me. It’s only funny if you do it to other people.
Do get your fr… Dang it., Jeff. I said, other people. For the last time, I do not want your stinky socks.
Don’t make me open a box, only to find another box, inside, and more inside that.
If you do, at least make the gift worthwhile.
And, it’s asparagus.
Do read our Christmas lists. That’s kind of the purpose. Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not a list of things that we don’t want.
Don’t worry about surprising me. If there’s something I really want, I’ll definitely appreciate that more than something I didn’t even know was a thing (and probably shouldn’t be).
Do give us movies, just remember that Netflix exists. We won’t ever watch the DVD you gave us if we can just Netflix it.
Don’t use us as your cover. If you want that movie, nobody cares if you just buy it for yourself. However, I really don’t want it.
Do choose gifts that you would like if you were our age, into the same things, and going through the same things.
Don’t, Jeff. Just don’t.
Do get my brother that god-awful painting you found in the pawn shop. Please do.
Don’t forget that we love you, even if you give the worst gifts…but, you know, the presents help.
