By Yocelyn Perez Posted June 5, 2025
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You said you were gonna “go crazy” after graduation, but we all know you’ll be back in town working at Big R and pretending that wasn’t your plan all along. You move fast, but decision-making? Not your strong suit. Cancer would’ve already found the job, negotiated the pay, and decorated their desk.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ve had the same order at Taco Bell for four years and refused to try anything new. You’ll either end up owning a side-by-side or marrying someone who does. You’re stable, sure, but no one ever asked you for playlist recommendations like they do Cancer.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You had beef with someone in every class and somehow still showed up to every senior event like you were everyone’s bestie. You’ll “take a gap year” and start six new hobbies that end up in your private story on Snapchat. Do you know whose private story was better? Cancer’s.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You have carried this class since your freshman year. You probably balanced AP Lit, drama in the parking lot, and being super social without breaking a sweat. You’ll probably be the first to leave Winnemucca and the first to romanticize it from afar. You’re probably always so involved that you’ve lost your AirPods every week. But at least your Spotify playlist was pure perfection, just like your energy. You’re the one everyone is going to miss when they graduate, whether they want to admit it or not.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You were the loudest person at every pep rally and never let us forget it. Your Instagram captions are basically TED Talks. You’ll go into communications or just communicate for a living—either way, Cancer already did it better with half the volume.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You took senior projects way too seriously and judged everyone who didn’t. You’ll probably run for grocery outlet manager by 23. People trusted you with group work, but loved Cancer for how they made group work feel tolerable.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You flirted your way out of every deadline and somehow got away with it. You’ll still be undecided by your second year of college, but at least the pictures you took will look decent. Cancer, on the other hand, has already picked a path and made it Pinterest-worthy.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You acted like nothing bothered you, but you remembered every single group chat betrayal from sophomore year. You’ll probably vanish for six months and pop back up in Vegas with a sleeve tattoo selling fake IDs. Cancer is already well-known and loved by your tattoo artist, btw.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You said you were “done with this town” more times than you showed up to class. You’ll book a one-way flight, then come back for Runnamucca as if nothing happened. Cancer would’ve booked the trip and remembered to pack snacks for the plane.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You were more stressed than the admin during a senior prank. You’ll own a house before 25, but probably won’t know how to relax in it. You were the planner. Cancer was the reason the plan didn’t suck, and their house is probably bigger.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You started every sentence with “hot take” and ended it with “just saying.” You’ll be the person starting a conspiracy podcast while growing your own herbs. Cancer will be booked and busy, not spiraling in a Reddit thread.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You almost matched Cancer’s overall intelligence, but then you fell for someone who snapped you twice. You’ll end up writing poetry about it and selling it as NFTs. Cancer already processed, healed, and moved on—with class.
