By Wyatt Lester Posted December 12, 2012
You need to step it up. I have no idea what you’ve been doing these last few years but it’s not a big success in my book. If global warming is the problem, talk to Al Gore about it. Also, I believe I’ve found a possible worker with good building skills named Matt Roloff from that TLC show “Little People Big World”. He’s a real hoot.
Now for the real stuff: I want world peace, a cool president, a car that doesn’t get me pulled over for going too fast, and maybe the Cubs winning a World Series. I want to see you do the impossible. Got it? Good. Now Espy wants things like Derek Jeter to marry him, the New York Yankee’s stadium moved into the Coliseum in Rome, and maybe a few inches on his stature. I want this list checked twice and completed by the morning of Christmas. If it isn’t I’ll send up the BCA (Bureau of Christmas Affairs) and they’ll do some real Christmas miracles for your staff. I’m also going to bring an Occupational Department of Safety and Health guy to check out if you’re on top of everything. Were in the 21st century, let’s get things together.
Now for some more important things I want:
Save the Twinkies.
I want a fast pass for Lindsey Lohan to get her through another round of rehab.
I want a muzzle for Bill O’Reilly and maybe an “on the left” friend who could follow him around all day.
I want “Star Wars” to be made by George Lucas. He has all the knowledge of the “Star Wars” universe.
Give Newt Gingrich a Slim Fast diet plan. Also give him a share of all the annual revenue from Michelin tires. I mean he did all that modeling in those commercials for the Michelin man, he should get a cut.
Give Greece Money Mutual’s number. Montel Williams will get anybody out of debt.
Have Kristen Stewart fall in love with Vladimir Putin. They both have the same dry personality. Seriously…straight-faced all the time.
Please get rid of Magic 95.5. It has to be the worst radio station on planet earth.
Take a “Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots” toy to the Israel and Palestine border… Let’s settle this Mattel style.
I want it all and I want it now. It’s my money and I need it now.
Can you give me a tour of your place up north? Well, without the safety guys. It would be more of a history of the place kind of tour. That’d be nice to know how the place was built.
Thanks for your time. Expect more letters of my other concerns.