By Dani Ricker Posted April 15, 2015
There’s nothing I love more than walking into a school bathroom first thing in the morning or after lunch and eating some girl’s perfume. “Hey, smell me. Did I spray enough?” Well considering I can taste it, I’m sure you’re good to go. Thank you for the asthma attack.
“Is my eyeliner black enough?” Nah girl, how about you add another seven layers? I can still see some eyelid.
If I were in a position that I could come up with the names for various colors of eyeliner “my heart black” would most definitely be one. No more of this “black black” business. “My heart” is the darkest shade out there.
“Behati Prinsloo is perfection. Like, everything about her is beautiful.”
Every time I see a Victoria’s Secret model I get really sad. Not because I’m jealous or anything, but because I’m pretty sure none of them will ever know the joy of eating half a dozen donuts in one sitting. There’s just something so satisfying about it, and they will never experience it.
That and the fact that I’m incredibly jealous of their everything.
“If you expect me to look good for school today, you’ve got another thing coming.”
If you expect anyone to actually care how you look, you’ve got another thing coming. No one expects anything from you, sit down and be quiet.
“If you like crispy bacon we just can’t be friends.”
Fine, I didn’t want to be your friend anyway. We all know chewy bacon people can’t be trusted.
“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a dodgeball.”
Sometimes I get super angry walking in between classes because people misquote great movies and that just really hurts my heart. Get it right, por favor.
“Ulchh. Coffee is so gross.”
No, no. You’re wrong. Coffee is a gift straight from our Lord and Savior. And our good friends down in Ethiopia, where the coffee plant was discovered way back when in the 11th century. #funfact.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Disco. Disco who? Disconnected.
Get it? Because this is the end.
